I've never really been much of a regular walker. However, living with Sabine in an apartment has necessitated a change. Today, I brought my camera along with me on our walk. This is what my lens caught on this lovely May morning.

Continuing the adventure, 

Jess

This piece is inspired by a quote from a song by Thrice. "There is no promise of safety in these second hand wings but I am willing to try and find out what impossible means." 

The background I started during a workshop at Mosaik. We all painted for a half an hour with live musicians played in the background. It was a really great experience.

This is the beginning of a new journal I am making for a friend. I hope it comes out well!

Some days, I just have to get the ideas in my head out and onto paper. Otherwise they just roll around inside and drive me crazy!

Continuing the adventure, 

Jess

It occurs to me that life oftentimes gives us a glimpse into the future. The purpose of these momentary visions is unknown to me. My guess is they are opportunities to let us learn and prepare for what may come.

With Aunt Gerry we were given a glimpse into Grandma Wren's future. Now, as Grandma Wren begins to need full time care I don't doubt that the plauging thought, "Could this be us?" has entered your minds.

This letter is to definitively answer that question.

No.

I promise your futures will be different. I promise not to be scared of difficult conversations. I promise to poke my nose into how you are taking care of yourselves. I promise to kick you out of bed and make you get dressed. I will drag you out to see rose gardens, taste wines, and to make you LIVE until you can no more. I promise not to let any sentimentality over objects outweigh your best interests. I promise to be the smart ass daughter you raised me to be; and to be her with respect for you. I will not let you abandone yourselves to a darkening mind.

And if the dreaded day ever comes when you forget me; I will remember you.

All my love, 

Jess

 

Living in Germany has reaquainted me with the sensation of being lost in a new market. 

The safe feeling of trusting a brand and it's quality has been lost. I rely on the recommendations of friends and the good luck of the shopping fairy when I need a product.

Then there was the day I stumbled into a Rewe grocery store. I found it well stocked with Ja! products. Oh, the sweet joy of a recognized logo! It's like the feeling you have when you finally find the correct address after being lost for a long time. It's like a fresh of breath air. It makes you happy. 

But why?

Ja! is the brand which my grandmother used to buy. It was the brand which I would find in her cupboards whenever we came to visit. I trust this brand because she trusted it. I know the quality is good and price is fair. I know this because my grandmother wouldn't have bought it if it wasn't.

Beyond being familiar, I think the brand envokes a sense of nostalgia. I am emotionally attached to it because I am attached to the person who bought it. 

This is the power of childhood branding. It goes beyond good deals and quality products. It becomes about buying an item which sends you back in time.

What is one of your childhood brands? Are they still around? Do you buy them regularly?

Continuing the adventure,

Jess 

Admittedly, my apartment is not turning out to be the "we rescued everything from the trash" repurposed haven I wanted it to be. There have been a few trips to Ikea.  Most of our furniture was given to us from friends. 

However, I still persist (much to Paul's dismay). We managed to cajole a nice polish man to haul a bedroom set from the trash to our apartment for us. I braved the stingy nettles and blackberry thorns for an old lantern. There is a slab of marble in our bedroom which I know I will just do something with. 

I brought these liquor bottles home from work. They are so nice and simple. I really like the white caps. I have plans for them to eventually go into our bathroom. For now they make great vases.

It's great seeing these cheery tulips every morning. I hope you enjoy them too!

Continuing the adventure, 

Jess

 

Just don't do it.

Don't put in me in a position to hurt you, because ultimately, I will. I am human. I am often too quick with my wit and not fast enough with my heart. I will excitedly overpromise and underdeliver. I will let you down. Then we'll both feel crummy about it.

I am often amazed at the people God brings into my life. The people He entrusts me with and what fragile wonderous treasures they are. I wonder why He does. 

"It's like giving a toddler a piece of crystal." I said this to my friend as we walked through the spring woods one morning. I was lamenting behavior which was abrupt and hurtful to someone else. I didn't believe I had done anything wrong but still felt convicted about the outcome. As I go through life, I am realizing it is so much more about how I do something rather than what I do.

For example, holding boundries. Boundries are a good thing. They are healthy and help people to develop functional relationships. However, defining what I am able to give doesn't necessitate being rude or dismissive. 

"Let all that you do be done in Love." 1st Corinthians 16:14

This is my goal.

So, if you're not ready to have your feelings hurt, steer clear of me. But you are ready to walk alongside as I try to figure out how to live a life of love, then I'm your gal.

Continuing the adventure, 

Jessica

 

I am a fairly capable and confident person. As a result of this my loved ones have come up with a phrase to describe my ability, or stubbornness, to do things on my own. Jessi do it. They throw this phrase out when they know I've bitten off more than I can chew. Much like a pin pops a ballon they use this phrase to remind me it's okay to ask for help when my ambition and insistence to do things on my own expands wildly out of control. Mostly they use it because it's true, most of the time I really believe I can do anything. Then there are days like today. Today my confidence is shaken. Today whispers fill my mind about what a dimwit I am. Today it is just frustrating to be me. Of course it all started yesterday when I locked our dog, cell phone, wallet, and keys into our new apartment. 100€ later and all were rescued but I couldn't help thinking "today is one of those days where it sucks to be me." This morning Paul and I woke up early to go pick up his visa at the Auslanderamt. The problem is that I made the wrong appointment to pick up a nonexistent ID card and not his visa. Waste of time. Once again it sucks to be me. Sigh. It's these days when I have to be reminded who I am in Christ. I am someone who is loved and valuable despite my life skills handicap. I am here for a reason even if it is simply to fund the locksmiths career. I'm Jessi. And I can do this. Continuing the adventure, Jess

A few weeks ago I wrote about the decision I made to be at peace-no matter what was happening around me.

Not as easy as it sounds.

In many ways I have achieved what I set out to do. The swings from desperation to elation have evened out. I rely on my belief God has me here for a reason. I feel more level and can think a little bit more clearly when a new fill-in-the-blank-issue (and there is always a new issue) arises. I have learned to not let external things control me or dictate my state of mind. 

I feel at peace. 

Or at least stable.

I realize though that I have not yet learned to completely release these issues, or more importantly, I am not releasing the symptoms of these issues. As much as I love my life and the adventure I am able to participate in, I cannot deny it has been stressful. My body is no longer letting me deny it. 

I've had a interesting range of symptoms from a strange knot in my neck which would not go away for two weeks, to a supressed immune system which is letting me catch every cold floating around, to a migrain which put me out of comission for three days. Paul is beginning to think I am a hypochondriac but I am realizing many of these things are related to stress. It seems I am more than willing to release the outcome of an issue but I am holding onto to the associated stress. Everything from the last few months has been pressed down and compressed within me. It is to the point that it is spilling out through these strange illnesses. I just keep slapping bandages of "decisions to be at peace" over them.

The bandaids aren't holding.

So this week we are moving to our new apartment (Yay!), and afterwards I am taking a day off. A Sabbath of letting go of stress and holding onto my God.

Continuing the adventure, 

Jess

Canvas, India Ink, Conte Crayon, Acrylic

Continuing the adventure, 

Jessica

 

It seems that lately, in every part of my life I meet someone who is struggling with depression. Not the its-grey-outside-so-I'm-feeling-melancholy kind of depression. I mean the hard to escape takes the breath out of your lungs kind of depression.

My heart aches for these friends.

Maybe more so because I have been there. I have been through those days where you lock your jaw and just go one with life. I have been through those days when it feels like you are going insane and the only thing which keeps the rage inside is a mask of civility.

I've been there.

I was thinking about these friends and I remembered a song I wrote as I went through the process of healing. I want to share it in the hopes that they will know rescue and healing is possible. 

Rescue is possible.

Continuing the adventure, 

Jess

Rescue Me

The mask I wear

Gets heavier every day

The games I play

Stopped making sense to me

The fear I face

Is fading into the grey

The beast I fight

Is waiting inside of me

The hole is getting darker

The zoombie is getting stronger

And I'm getting tired

So please resuce me

The story I tell

They don't want to hear

The hell I live

They refuse to see

The hole is getting darker

The zoombie is getting stronger

And I'm getting tired

So please resuce me

Your eyes see through the darkness

Your light blinds this monster

And I can't think of another

Who can rescue me

So please

Please resuce me